Hubba Hubba.

Ignore the title.
I was being silly.
Long day today.
Had to take my little sister
to the doctor's to get a shot which
she subsequently did not receive but
was given an appointment for DEC 18th.
Like, seriously? She's being excluded from school
until this shot has been received, why would I
say yes to an appointment a week away.
That's 6 days of school missed.
GTFOH.

Anyway. I've got a big day tomorrow.
Going to see my new boss at this M&A firm in Brooklyn.
Hopefully, I'll finally get my license, yanno?
It takes forever to drop Robert off 10 blocks away
then hop back on the bus to the train then to
another bus, yanno? Ugh, I dunno. Attempting to
drive in the winter with black ice and shit
definitely does NOT sound tempting to moi.

Otherwise, I'm good money.
Getting paid tomorrow!
Woot!
I look forward to the first thing
I'm gonna buy with my first Logistics check.

Yum.

Disclaimer for my blog stalkers..
This entry is about a guy.
Don't read it if that bugs you.
K? Thx.

Woo.. Where to start on Aaron.....
Aaron and I met this time last year
when I was working at Toys R Us but
between me being with Mike and him
being somewhat standoffish towards everyone,
we just never really hit it off besides the hi, bye, sup,
in passing, yanno? But anyway.. around August or so,
he hit me up on Myspace like, what's up, how you,
can we chill, that whole spiel but being with Mike still,
I kinda put it off and we just stuck to IMing on AIM.

Welp.. since Mike and I are done, I finally called Aaron and
we made plans to have breakfast together. I cooked and he
brought movies that we put on but didn't really pay attention to.
We're like.. on the same wavelength or something.
Every off-center thing I said, he understood and had a
quick-fire response to. I'm talking.. instant zing. Needless to say,
I had a blast. And did I mention his voice? Oh my...
Think of Barry White.. then deepen it a few octaves.
Just.. DELIGHTFUL, yanno?

When I say I had fun, I'm not saying it to be nice,
by the time he was leaving, my cheeks were hurting
from laughing/smiling. It was like... the most laid back.. casual
chill-session in the history of chill-sessions.
I kinda felt bad for blowing him off today but when I looked
in my pockets to get us breakfast to take to him, all
I had in my pockets were Toys R Us gift cards and
last I checked, the bodega didn't accept those.
I guess he's annoyed that I said I was coming and then
bailed but I just wanted to hang out so badly that I didn't
check my finances before agreeing. I'll make it up to him soon.

Oh.. for reference, this is Aaron:

Extreme Anger.

You know.. I've been all relaxed and nonchalant
and really fucking pateinet with everyone and it's gotten me NOWHERE.
Someone was snooping in my blog and found some shit about someone very
important to me that may have painted them in the wrong light but you know what? I don't give a fuck. I felt the need to write in MY OWN blog about said person. You know what.. fuck that. Justin. I wrote about Justin AKA Junito and some fucktard felt the need to run to him and say, ohh, Kimi's saying so and so. I don't give a fuck. I have an opinion and the right to express said opinion. Regardless of if it's positive or negative. I privatized my blog and kinda soured on the blogging scene but this shit is ridiculous. My sanity is like.. done for. I love my friend dearly and he knows this and shouldn't question it if my opinion of him at the time of the blog was somewhat strange. Whatever.
To Pressing issues... Drama ensues in my life once more. The course.. dun dun dun.. Michael Burgess. Why am I still bothering with him my readers ask. He's no good, Kimi, they tell me.
But I constantly throw caution to the wind and put my heart on my sleeve and run back like a crackhead to this person as if he's got some candy coated rocks dangling in front of my face. Why has this person come up once more is the question most likely going through Brandi's mind at the moment. He's been stalking myspace. Like.. SERIOUSLY. Hacked my account and everything. Reading messages between me and other members, the nine. And it's sad. I have never violated anyone's privacy and I didn't expect my partner.. at the moment.. ex to do that to me. Like, what gives someone the right to do that. And you know this shit that REALLY irks me.. My password was May11th.. Also known as our fucking anniversary. Ain't that a fucking bitch? I'm shaking my head typing this shit. Like, being insecure is so fucking lame. I don't go looking into his shit looking for these ugly bitches he keeps fucking, they come find me. [Chrissy not included so no offense to her. She's sweet and actually a cool person.] I'm tired of th shitty end of the stick but every time I get this person off my mind, he decides to hit me up with dumb shit and piss me off again. Like, let me live. I beg you. I've loved this person since the summer before High School. All through high school. EVEN NOW! Which is sad and probably considered a side effect of my OCD. He's a ritual. Something.. Someone I have to have around and it's sad because he obviously doesn't feel the same about me.

Ugh, whatever, fuck it. I'm so irritated right now. -_-

Commit Me.*

No blogs for a minute..
Bombarded with IMs asking me to
update and yet.. I haven't been in the mood.
I feel like.. I'm failing.
And not in one particular aspect
of life itself.. the entire thing.
I shouldn't though.
I mean.. shit.. I'm not ugly.
I'm proportionate.
Big rear, small waist, average looks.
But I get played.
Like, seriously.
But it's funny because I'm asking
for that shit in a sense by dealing
with the same nigga who hurts me
over and over again REGARDLESS of
how much I wanna just move on and
be done with him.
But it's like this, I basically grew into
myself loving him and I find it deathly
hard finding someone to fill the
space that's left when he's not with me.
And it's a fucked up equation because
I KNOW he cheats, lies, says shit to hurt
me whether intentionally or not...
and I can't help but wanna be close to him.
But I'll rant and go on a tirade.
FUCK HIM!
LIAR!
CHEATER!
MANIPULATOR.
All titles befitting of Mike.
But he's still.. Mike.
He gets into your head and plops down
like an obnoxious relative over for a visit
that never wants to fucking leave.
I gotta live.
And it's like.. he's my ball and chain.
And anchor that keeps me from
being all that I can and being
TRULY, TRULY happy.
Don't misinterpret..
He's kept a smile on my face for a long time
But for as long as I've been smiling..
2/3rds of that time, tears have been
streaming down my face.
I just don't know.

Everyone else sees that I put him
above EVERYTHING else.. but he doesn't.

Hmm.*

There was this chick.
Called herself a poet.
And she damn sure had a way with
words to the point where she
moved me. You know?
Had me sitting there listening
intently. Watching her speak
was mesmerizing, like the
first time you hear a rapper
kill a verse over a sick instrumental.
She had me wondering why I
couldn't put the words together and get
my thoughts organized like hers.
I then I got it.
I was holding myself back to the
point where I clouded my own damn
vision. Fucked in the brain by niggas
and bitches that can't understand where
my crazy ass thoughts are from.
See, this chick that I mentioned,
she caught my fucking attention
by saying that niggas ain't shit
but bitches with dicks and I felt that.
Shit, if bitches had dicks, that would be the life.
Niggas wouldn't have the power they have
and bitches wouldn't be taken advantage of.

Wonder.

I still don't know what I'm doing.
It's like.. SHIT! I love this person
and he acts like he can live without me.
A ruse perhaps? Factual feelings portrayed?
Who knows.
Straight answers are few and far between.
But I still love him. I can say,
"FUCK THAT NIGGA!"
and blase' blah but I'll still run to him and
hold him close when he's near. Heart pumping
a mile a minute when I hear the bass of his
car approaching. Pulling myself together, hands
shaking.. wishing he'd hold on forever.
Tell me you love me!
Tell me you need me!
Tell me I'm all you'll ever want..
Even though..
You've said it before and didn't mean it.
Cheating not once but twice and saying,
"I'll never do it again" and "I'll never hurt you".
I still love you.
It's hard as hell to let go of someone that
you've loved for so long.
Any platonic relationship with males
have been sabotaged by my need for you
and you only.
But you don't get it.
It's like you secretly hate me.
You don't want me close.
You wanna argue and run out and leave
me crying and trying to hold back torrid
emotions so no one will know. You'd walk
away and never look back. Not giving a shit
if it killed me. Not caring if it made me wanna
just give up on life. Or at least, that's how you make
it seem. And yet.. I still love you.
Embarrassing myself and lying to myself.
Yes, he loves me.
Yes, he wants me.
But in all realities, I am not the one.
I can fake the facts and think you'll be the one
I end up with but I'm fooling no one but myself.
All I want.. is for someone to love ME, want ME, and
NEED ME. Nothing more and nothing less.

Lawd.*

You're something else; you do stuff for spite. I see that now.
I had the time to delete it now. But all you will do when I delete
mine is create another one like this huh. Thanks for letting me
know how it is Kimi. And would you stop playing it's not
funny when I play into it huh.
-Mike.



I'm laughing.
I know.. I probably shouldn't be but, hey..
I am.. and I can't stop. Come on now..
Are you fucking serious? That from the same
person that has had "Looking for that special someone"
in EVERY profile made before and after we began
seeing each other and I'm supposed to take that
shit seriously? PLEASE spare me. "I share accounts
with my friend so he can check up on his girl."
Wait.. WHAT?! I'm stupid. I must be an imbecile for
someone to think that I'd believe that shit.
Get outta here! Lmfao! Something else.

Maybe it's the fact that he woke me up at
8:13 to ask me how I was doing.. I answer..
No response until 10.. That's was awesome.
Then he gives me the "Guess you're busy/Later"
skit and doesn't respond again until what.. 1 O'Clock?
THEN.. wait.. this is the coup de grace..
He tells me hey, I wanna just talk about us
tomorrow [Tuesday].. I say fine.. That's why
I actually got my ass out of bed at 8:13.
THE ENTIRE DAY PASSES!
The EN-TI-RE day and not one freaking
mention of anything related to us besides
when I asked when I'm gonna see him.

The Answer: I'm trying to figure out an
exact day.. PFFT! Don't tell me an exact day
because when that day comes.. what happens?
"Something came up with my grandmother."
"I'm sick with a fever."
"What are you doing tomorrow instead?"

It never fails and it's sad that I'm accustomed to this shit.
Man.. I just gotta laugh. On some "HA! HAHA!" type shit
because I'm the one that puts up with it and
sticks around and argues about it. I'm the
one that gets DUMPED over it. And I'm the one
that says I'm sorry like it's my freaking fault.
So meet me.
My name: Stupid Kimi.

Why?*

Why do I do this to myself? I mean, shit.. it's easy as hell
for other people to just say, "Eh, fuck it, I'm done"
and I can't for whatever reason.

Sometimes I want to. I mean, I really do. I wanna just say, "Screw you!
I'm not dealing with this!" But I can't. I'm not... I dunno.. strong
enough to do it I guess. No one else has had the same
effect on me so far and I doubt anyone else will so I'm just..
Stuck..
Stuck wondering is this where I wanna be?
Is there where my hard life inevitably grounded me?
Is this where I'm gonna stay fighting to prove myself?
I hope not. I hope I.. no WE can change and be happy
without any doubts or accusatory statements that muddy
up what would be PERFECT under any other circumstance.

Why me? Why can't I let go or at least be free of drama?
Shit, even my no-good son's father is engaged.. allbeit to an
ugly broad.. but he's still engaged.. Inked her name on his
hand and all that and I'm.. pause.. WE are nowhere near that.

I never forgave the 80/20 betrayal and perhaps that's what's holding
me...US back from being "perfect" for one another.
There's ALWAYS someone saying, "Walk away, Kimi"...
But I honestly can't do it as easily as anyone else can.
Why can't we just grow up?!




[Yes, I took this.]

Photoshop Fun Part 2.*

Original Image of Aubrey


Photoshopped Image
[Background is kinda gay but ehh.]

Here's some more PS for you.
My buddy/personal cool-factor;
AUBREY GRAHAM! Even though he said
call him Drake from now on.

You're still Aubrey to me!
-Kimi.

Photoshop Fun.*

Photoshop Trial #1.

Original Image.

So I've been playing with Photo Shop CS2
today and that's what I came up with.
I was gonna swap out the whole back-
ground but then I couldn't decide
where to put the guy in the image [Space_Ghost].
But yeah.. I cleaned up his razor burn,
changed the color of the alarm behind him,
and turned his background black and white.
Not too bad considering I did it in 15.
Click the image to enlarge and leave
constructive criticism.
-Kimi.

Tired.*

Arguing is taking it's toll on me.
I'm tired of the implied HELL that
we go through and it's gotta stop.
It's not just one of us that
does it either.
It's a combination of my emotions
and your emotions and my opinions
and your opinions that cause this
volatile situation that we
CONSTANTLY put our selves in.

It's at the point now where you
saying, "I'm sorry", is a monotonous,
statement that I don't care for.
Do you realize how hard that is?
To not care if the person you
love apologizes?
I could lie and say that it's
just another issue we have
but I'd be lying my ass off.
We're great for each other.
We balance in a great way when
we're on good terms and we make
each other laugh and feel great..
..Most of the time.

I can't help but love you.
If I explain our situation to friends,
they say leave and don't look back.
And I've tried and I can't.
I honestly can not give you up.
I'll be ok for a couple of days..
And then it's like.. I need to
talk to you.. I need to look
in your eyes and see my reflection.
I need your tight hugs and your
Trident/Winterfresh [lol] flavored
kisses to make me feel good.

You are the person I love.
You always have and you always will.
I can't even try to convince myself
otherwise because in reality, I'd
probably be the opposite
of sane if it wasn't for you.

I LOVE YOU!

Me.*

Taken from Brandi. ABC of Me
The Letter A
Are you available?:	Not in the slightest.
What is your age?:	Nineteen.
What annoys you?:	Lots of things.
The Letter B
Do you live in a big house?:	Not really.
When is your birthday?:	October 23rd.
Who is your best friend?:	I'd have to say Ace since no one else is close.
The Letter C
What's your favorite candy?:	Twizzlers.
Who's your crush?:	Rick Gonzalez.
When was the last time you cried?:	Couple weeks ago.
The Letter D
Do you daydream?:	Yes.
What's your favorite kind of dog?:	Cocker Spaniel.
What day of the week is it?:	Monday.
The Letter E
How do you like your eggs?:	Most days: scrambled.
Have you ever been in the emergency room?:	Too many damn times.
What's the easiest thing ever to do?:	Love.
The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane?:	Yessir.
Do you use fly swatters?:	Nah.
Have you ever used a foghorn?:	Yeah, it's cool.
The Letter G
Do you chew gum?:	Yessir.
Are you a giver or a taker?:	50/50.
Do you like gummy candies?:	Yes.
The Letter H
How are you?:	I'm okay right now.
What color is your hair?:	Brownish.. something lol
The Letter I
What's your favorite ice cream?:	Vanilla.
Have you ever ice skated?:	No, but I want to.
Do you play an instrument?:	Nah.
The Letter J
What's your favorite jelly bean brand?:	Jelly Belly/Starburst.
Do you wear jewelry?:	Earrings, rings, necklace.
The Letter K
Who do you want to kill?:	Short list. No names.
Do you want kids?:	Got one. Need one more.
Where did you go for kindergarten?:	Trinidad.
The Letter L
Are you laid back?:	Yes.
Do you lie?:	Yes.
The Letter M
Whats your favorite movie?:	Too many.
Do you still watch Disney movies?:	Sometimes.
Do you like mangos?:	Yeah.
The Letter N
Do you have a nickname?:	Not really.
What is your real name?:	Kimi.
Whats your favorite number?:	Don't have one.
Do you prefer night over day?:	Mostly see Ace during the day so day.
The Letter O
What's your one wish?:	To have 100 wishes.
Are you an only child?:	I wish.
The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about?:	Losing him.
What are your pet peeves?:	Too many.
What's a personality trait you look for in people?:	Humor.
The Letter Q
What's your favorite quote?:	Regardless of if it offends you I'm still gonna be me.-Kimi.
Are you quick to judge people?:	Always.
The Letter R
Do you think you're always right?:	Nah.
Are you one to cry?:	Sometimes.
The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain?:	Sun. His nose runs when it rains. Lol.
Do you like snow?:	I like how it looks. After-effects.. not so much.
What's your favorite season?:	Fall.
The Letter T
What time is it?:	12AM.
What time did you wake up?:	9AM.
When was the last time you slept in a tent?:	Never.
The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear?:	Yeah.
Underwear or boxers?:	I like boxers but underwear.
The Letter V
What's the worst veggie?:	I dunno. I like all.
Where do you want to go on vacation?:	Paris or Tokyo.
The Letter W
What's your worst habit?:	Saying nothing when I mean something.
Where do you live?:	Queens, NY.
What's your worst fear?:	This question was asked already.
The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray?:	A couple.
Have you seen the x-games?:	Yessir.
Do you own a xylophone?:	Used to.
The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow?:	It's ok.
What's one thing you yearn for?:	Ace.
The Letter Z
Whats your zodiac sign?:	Libra/Scorpio.
Do you believe in the zodiac?:	When we're fighting, hell yes.
Favorite zoo animal?:	Panda.

Missed.*

Jeez.
I'm sorry.
I've neglected my blog so much recently.
My humble apologies.

Life has just been.. super hectic.
No more Toys R Us job.
No apartment.
No social life.

But it's graaaavy.
Got a dumbass liar out my
life and sent him out with a big bang.
[Salutes Dean.]

I'm saying, don't lie about me or
your run ins with me on a COMMUNITY
site where unfortunately, my name is "known".
Come on.. that was really dumb.

Anywho.. Doing me and living life.
Still got some change in the bank.
Came out on top.
Still love Ace and opening up more
and more to him every day.

Can you believe it's been almost five years?
Jeez, not many can say they've been hooked
on the same person for even half that time.

Still no license but it's cool.
My MetroCard works just fine.
Lmfao. Ugh, that sucks to type seeing
as I have a car parked outside.

Oh well, I'll live.
Back to ME.
I've had a boost in confidence.
It's not a matter of more attention
or anything to that nature.
I'm just... REALLY digging Kimi these days.

When someone says something cruel
or unwarranted, it just seems funny.
I look in the mirror and all I can say
is.. "Damn, I'm fucking gorgeous."